15 Things I've Learned, in 15 Years as a Celiac
Happiest of Thursday mornings to everyone- or, happiest of whatever general time on whatever general day it is as you're reading this. I turn 22 tomorrow (please, I beg of you, hold the Taylor Swift lyrics), and in acknowledgement of my fast-approaching seniority have decided to jump on the "x things I've learned in x years" train. As my social media presence has essentially to do only with food, gluten free living and celiac, I saw this as a good little spin. So, without further ado:
15 Things I've Learned, in 15 Years as a Celiac
1. Find out where the toilet is, as soon as you arrive.
2. People will try to convince you they totally understand celiac, because choosing to live a gluten free lifestyle just makes them feel so much better. They will then proceed to grab a roll from the bread basket, and wash it down with a beer. Just smile and nod.
3. It can definitely be a shit storm, but it won't always be.
Sometimes, it's a low hanging fog that clouds your brain for three days as your appendages SWELL TO THE SIZE OF FU- let me stop myself here.
4. No, I can't "just scrape the frosting off of the cupcake."
5. Celiac is a great excuse to have an actual bowl of ice cream as a meal.
"I'm just not sure if anything else on the menu is safe! And besides, seeing as you have to deal with me for the next several hours, I'd say this is in both our best interests."
6. Kissing your boyfriend after he's eaten gluten will, in fact, cross-contaminate you.
7. Corn thins do not make good sandwiches.
Flashback to 8-year-old Natalia, pulling a desiccated, mustard-laden pile of turkey and corn thin fragments out of her lunch box. If you must use these things, for the love all that is good and gluten free, build the sandwich about five seconds before it goes in your mouth.
8. The increased popularity of eating gluten free over the past few years means we no longer have to suffer through glue-like bowls of grey pasta, or Styrofoam-textured slices of rice flour bread.
9. However, more people going gluten free means some people now take the diet less seriously.
No, Mr. Blaze Pizza employee, it's not a lifestyle choice. And yes, I will need you to make my pizza on a separate tray.
10. College parties are a challenge.
I'm still coping with the fact I never got to shotgun a Natty Light in dimly-lit basement of Zeta Psi.
11. Being diagnosed in 2003, when the market for gluten free baked goods was about as diverse as our current presidential administration, means I have a life-long excuse to treat myself.
Do you know how many pizza parties and school birthdays I had to sit through, watching glumly as my friends dug in to plates of cheesy, greasy gluten bombs? Over-compensating with Goodie Girl cookies for the rest of eternity is clearly my only option.
12. No matter how adamant you are about your dietary restriction, restaurant employees are going to make mistakes.
We're all human, we're all fallible. Understand the 16 year old waitress was probably not trying to spite you, and definitely feels pretty guilty about getting your bread order wrong.
13. That said, be sure to speak with management and definitely get some free gift cards for that shit. Or a refund. Or both. If your restaurant is the reason I'll be chained to the toilet for the next two days, I'm milking your slip-up for all it's worth.
14. That smiley face on the Nima sensor after it registers food as safe is pretty damn cute.
15. Having celiac is no (gluten free) cakewalk. In fact, it oftentimes really sucks. But, like everything, celiac is what you make of it.
Sure, autoimmune flare-ups and food-based frustration have led to more than a few meltdowns in public toilets. But being a celiac has also granted me with some of my best memories- going to gluten free sleep away camp, blogging and attending expos, and discovering entirely GF restaurants are just a few. Besides, who wouldn't want a community of online friends with whom you constantly complain about the GI tract from hell?
Let me know if anything above resonated with you, or if there are any life-lessons you've picked up along your own wild travels with celiac. With that, I'm off to eat some (non-Styrofoamy) gluten free bread.
Peace, love and gluten free donuts,
Natalia
15 Things I've Learned, in 15 Years as a Celiac
1. Find out where the toilet is, as soon as you arrive.
2. People will try to convince you they totally understand celiac, because choosing to live a gluten free lifestyle just makes them feel so much better. They will then proceed to grab a roll from the bread basket, and wash it down with a beer. Just smile and nod.
3. It can definitely be a shit storm, but it won't always be.
Sometimes, it's a low hanging fog that clouds your brain for three days as your appendages SWELL TO THE SIZE OF FU- let me stop myself here.
4. No, I can't "just scrape the frosting off of the cupcake."
5. Celiac is a great excuse to have an actual bowl of ice cream as a meal.
"I'm just not sure if anything else on the menu is safe! And besides, seeing as you have to deal with me for the next several hours, I'd say this is in both our best interests."
6. Kissing your boyfriend after he's eaten gluten will, in fact, cross-contaminate you.
7. Corn thins do not make good sandwiches.
Flashback to 8-year-old Natalia, pulling a desiccated, mustard-laden pile of turkey and corn thin fragments out of her lunch box. If you must use these things, for the love all that is good and gluten free, build the sandwich about five seconds before it goes in your mouth.
8. The increased popularity of eating gluten free over the past few years means we no longer have to suffer through glue-like bowls of grey pasta, or Styrofoam-textured slices of rice flour bread.
9. However, more people going gluten free means some people now take the diet less seriously.
No, Mr. Blaze Pizza employee, it's not a lifestyle choice. And yes, I will need you to make my pizza on a separate tray.
10. College parties are a challenge.
I'm still coping with the fact I never got to shotgun a Natty Light in dimly-lit basement of Zeta Psi.
11. Being diagnosed in 2003, when the market for gluten free baked goods was about as diverse as our current presidential administration, means I have a life-long excuse to treat myself.
Do you know how many pizza parties and school birthdays I had to sit through, watching glumly as my friends dug in to plates of cheesy, greasy gluten bombs? Over-compensating with Goodie Girl cookies for the rest of eternity is clearly my only option.
12. No matter how adamant you are about your dietary restriction, restaurant employees are going to make mistakes.
We're all human, we're all fallible. Understand the 16 year old waitress was probably not trying to spite you, and definitely feels pretty guilty about getting your bread order wrong.
13. That said, be sure to speak with management and definitely get some free gift cards for that shit. Or a refund. Or both. If your restaurant is the reason I'll be chained to the toilet for the next two days, I'm milking your slip-up for all it's worth.
14. That smiley face on the Nima sensor after it registers food as safe is pretty damn cute.
15. Having celiac is no (gluten free) cakewalk. In fact, it oftentimes really sucks. But, like everything, celiac is what you make of it.
Sure, autoimmune flare-ups and food-based frustration have led to more than a few meltdowns in public toilets. But being a celiac has also granted me with some of my best memories- going to gluten free sleep away camp, blogging and attending expos, and discovering entirely GF restaurants are just a few. Besides, who wouldn't want a community of online friends with whom you constantly complain about the GI tract from hell?
Let me know if anything above resonated with you, or if there are any life-lessons you've picked up along your own wild travels with celiac. With that, I'm off to eat some (non-Styrofoamy) gluten free bread.
Peace, love and gluten free donuts,
Natalia
Omg crying from laughter (waittt are my appendages still intact) but at the same time relate to some. I've watched ppl say they need to be gluten free and then tell me they're cheating when there's pizza �� and icecream or cereal for dinner is my life sometimes lol . Ugh relatable. I love u Natalie
ReplyDeleteNatalia not Natalie smh autocorrect
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